The Joy of Sweat

Hello, hungry people.

This is the time of year that tests the mettle of those of us who live in Florida.

We’re in the throes of our never-ending summer. In the town where I live, it seems like half the population has retreated to someplace cooler, like North Carolina, where the residents are so desperate to escape the hordes of incoming Floridians that they throw all caution to the wind and flee to Tennessee, despite its close proximity to Tennesseans.

Yes, we Floridians could cool off by jumping in one of our many charming lakes. But that brings the possibility of encountering Naegleria fowleri. It’s the deadly brain-eating amoeba that lives in lake sediment and becomes more prevalent when the water temperature exceeds 80 degrees, which is like from now until Thanksgiving.

Here’s what those little bastards look like:

It doesn’t happen all that often, but if you get infected by Naegleria fowleri it is almost always fatal. Florida leads the nation in deaths from Naegleria fowleri. Over the past 50 years of so, there have been something like a hundred reported cases and only one person has survived.

You’d think Naegleria fowleri might do us a small favor and at least kill some of the alligators, but no, life is unfair like that.

***

I have several friends who have decided to ditch Florida for a couple of weeks and take an Alaskan cruise.

“I want to go an entire day without sweating,” said one of them before traveling clear across the continent to sit on a slow boat with strangers, eat buffet food and gaze at glaciers. For this they are paying several thousand dollars — a major allocation to avoid perspiration.

Lacking the ambition to subsidize distant voyages to cooler climes, not to mention the temperament to withstand forced dinner seatings with retired aluminum salesmen from Des Moines, I will combat the prickly wet glove of summer the only way I know how — by going outside and wallowing in it.

With all due respect to Descartes: Perspiro ergo sum.

I sweat, therefore I am ... a Floridian.

***

It’s time for someone to defend sweat.

And girding up for the battle I took it upon myself to research the subject, learning many interesting facts that I am now prepared to share whether you like it or not.

For instance, I learned that the average person has 2.6 million sweat glands that are located everywhere on the human body except the lips and two other places that I can’t mention because of the high-minded nature of Bob’s Diner. Take my word, these are not places where we need to sweat. These are places that, even if we could sweat there ... never mind.

Here is something else I learned, something that speaks directly to people who move down to Florida from places that are, uh, humidity-challenged: If you are not accustomed to a hot climate, the maximum amount of sweat you can produce is about one quart an hour. However, once you become acclimated you are transformed into a veritable artesian well of sweat, highly efficient at ridding the body of excess fluid and capable of producing as much as three quarts of sweat an hour.

Which is all the justification I need for drinking more beer.

***

Another thing: Sweat does not stink.

The smell mistakenly associated with sweat really comes from tiny organisms that live on our skin and produce an unpleasant odor when they feed on the proteins contained in sweat. Deodorant kills these tiny little organisms.

Nothing against the kind souls in PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) but this is probably all the proof we need that they really are more aromatic than the rest of us.

***

Although they would surely deny it, women find male sweat arousing.

This was the finding of a recent scientific study in which a group of women actually volunteered to sit in a room for six hours and smell swaths of cloth containing the chemicals found in male sweat.

The result — it relaxed them.

“This probably traces back to our hunter-gatherer days when the males were often away from home for long periods of time. The female reproductive system may have evolved to be ready for her man by shifting hormonal levels in response to his scent when he returned,” said the scientist who conducted the sweat study. “The scent relaxed her. And a relaxed woman is more likely to be responsive to a man.”

Which brings us, as it so often does, to Today’s Poll(s).

The first one is only for you men:

And for you women:

Thanks for dropping by. Stay sweaty. I’ll be back soon …