Today Only: Free Wonder Melon Seeds!

Yes, they're illegal. So get them while the supply lasts ...

When Olaf Prolisady speaks, the words come slow and measured, amply doused with the inflections of his native Russian.

“What I created was a . . . a . . . miracle,” he says. “It could bring so much good to Florida, to the world. And yet. . . .”

He shakes his head and dismisses the rest of the sentence with a flip of his hand. His exasperation is obvious. And understandable.

Because Olaf Prolisady is a genius. A genius scorned.

And what he created is, indeed, a miracle, one that could improve life as we know it in Florida.

So why does no one believe Olaf Prolisady?

***

THE FRUIT OF OLAF PROLISADY’S GENIUS is, quite literally, ripening on the vine. Its generic name is A. jeaukonyew. But to the few familiar with Prolisady’s life work it is known simply as the Big Olaf, or Big O.

It is a watermelon.

“But it is to other watermelons what a cannonball is to – how do you say? – a B.B.”

Prolisady chuckles when he says it, clearly pleased with the comparison, as we walk behind his ramshackle mobile home, which sits on a 3-acre plot just north of Umatilla, on the edge of the Ocala National Forest. There, bordered by scrub oak and pine, grows Olaf Prolisady’s secret garden.

It is as large as two football fields, completely covered with a dense tangle of vines.

And popping out all about, already the size of sea turtles, are thousands of Big Olaf watermelons.

***

They are unlike any watermelons you have ever seen. For one thing, they aren’t green, but red, which will change to a deep crimson as they become fully ripe in mid-April. Their skin is not smooth, but covered with short, soft bristles, like a kiwi fruit. And they are not round, as you might expect, but lumpy.

What the whole scene resembles, really, is a field full of red, fuzzy beanbag chairs. Make that a highly illegal field of red, fuzzy beanbag chairs. Because it is against the law to plant Big Olaf watermelon seeds in Florida or anywhere else in the U.S.

“But I think the authorities must be winking one eye, pretending not to know about this,” says Prolisady. “Because I have been growing them again for five years now and, so far, no trouble. I think maybe the time has come for the prohibitions to be lifted.”

***

Keep your fingers crossed. And consider: A mature Big O will weigh in at about 100 pounds, more than double the size of a normal watermelon.

The sweet, succulent flesh contains virtually no seeds. Rather, the seeds are formed in an easily detachable pod that grows on the outside of the melon.

The rind of a Big O contains a natural insecticide, D-Onbleevitol. Chunks of the rind, scattered around the perimeter of a house, offer an environmentally safe form of bug control that is reasonably effective even against cockroaches.

The Big O grows best in unimproved, sandy soil, making fertilizer unnecessary. The plant thrives in sand dunes and, along Florida’s shoreline, could help stem coastal erosion.

A single plant can be grown in a large container, like a garbage can, and produce more than enough melons for a family of four.

***

OK, there are a few seeds in this Big O, but Mr. Prolisady likes it anyway

“They are still some weeks away from being ripe, but would you like to try a slice?” asks Olaf.

He grabs a pruning saw, then straddles the nearest melon, quickly slicing it in half. He carves a large, juicy chunk from the heart and hands it to me.

I take a wary nibble. Then a giant bite. It is juicer and more flavorful than any watermelon I have ever tasted, with the exotic tang of a mango. Yes, I make lots of loud slurping noises while I eat it. And I ask for another piece.

“They will be better when they are ripe,” Olaf Prolisady actually apologizes.

I can scarcely imagine anything better. Maybe that’s why they are illegal.

But no, that’s not why.

***

We would all be pigging out on Big O’s today if not for the anti-communist hysteria that gripped this country during the early 1950s. An agronomist with the Soviet Academy of Sciences, Prolisady spent much of that time researching new plant varieties in equatorial Africa. Recalled to the Soviet Union, Prolisady instead hid aboard a freighter bound from Algiers to Jacksonville and, upon his arrival, was granted asylum.

He made his way to Lake County in order to work closely with watermelon and grape researchers at the University of Florida’s Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences near Leesburg. And, in 1956, before a gathering of farmers, politicians and the press he proudly unveiled a 5-acre field of Big Olaf watermelons.

Sadly, no one was eager to recognize the achievement of the soft-spoken Russian scientist, especially after he admitted that, yes, the Big Olaf seeds had been developed in the Soviet Union using previously unheard-of techniques.

***

“Should Russian Seeds Be Sown In U.S. Soil?” blared a headline in the April 2, 1956 edition of The Orlando Sentinel-Star.

A subsequent editorial speculated that the melons might actually be a trick, “some new form of Russky agricultural warfare that, once planted, could suck the water from our aquifer and ruin our region’s vital citrus industry.”

The Legislature responded almost immediately, passing Florida Statute 401.25, which prohibits “the planting of any fruit, vegetable, grain or nut which is known to have been developed in the Soviet Union.” Similar federal legislation followed.

***

Olaf Prolisady, a robust 102-year-old, credits his longevity to a diet of pickled Big Olaf rinds and a daily quart of Big O watermelon wine. He entertains himself by playing games with anagrams and praying for the tide of popular opinion to turn.

Given that our current administration is getting all buddy-buddy with Russia, what better time than now?

So, do what is right. Contact your legislators and congresspeople, urging them to make Big Olaf watermelons legal.

And take advantage of this SPECIAL OFFER!

Olaf has been stockpiling Big O seeds for years and in an effort to gain widespread acceptance of his miracle fruit, he is generously offering free seeds to anyone who asks for them.

Just shoot me a message and I’ll pass it along to Olaf, who will cover the costs of shipping out of the goodness of his heart and in total defiance of the law.

I have already planted my seeds. And I am willing to accept the consequences.