Bankrupt Bezos! And Get Free Stuff!

In which Bob's Diner sends you something random in the mail...

Hello, hungry people

Some of you might recall how I recently suggested that the oyster lovers among us should unite to make Jeff Bezos go belly up.

(Why would we do this? If you have to ask, we’d prefer you unite with someone else, thank you. It’s still legal in most states.)

Every Friday, Whole Foods, a Bezos production, features live oysters for $1/each. The folks behind the seafood counter will even crack ‘em open for you. It’s one of those sly retail come-ons known as a “loss leader.” The store hopes to induce oyster-loving people (like me!) to come in for the bivalves and leave after buying a whole lot of something else.

I’m a sucker for crap like that. Especially if it’s edible.

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I gotta say, Whole Foods sells some fine oysters — Cotuits, Wellfleets, Malpeques. And on my Friday trips there I’ve bought plenty of something elses. (The moldering lumps in the crisper are Asian figs.)

Hoping to assuage my guilt over giving money to a craven billionaire, I devised a plan: If enough of us started eating $1 oysters from Whole Foods, sooner or later the store would go out of business and Bezos would be forced to fold his many tents (using his newly built biceps.)

I’ve been holding up my end of the struggle. How about you?

I’ve eaten so many oysters lately that, as my late Aunt Dessie used to say: “My stomach rises and falls with the tides.” Also, I’ve totally perfected my mignonette sauce.

And I’ve heard through reliable sources that Bezos is running scared.

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So while we’ve got him on the ropes, here’s some EXCITING NEWS!

I’ve devised another strategy that will prove just as successful in our Bezos-toppling cause as pigging out on cheap, delicious oysters.

It’s called: Free stuff! Sent directly to you. In the U.S. mail. By Bob’s Diner!

(Disclaimer: This will devolve into a sales pitch. But stay with it. Out of courtesy if nothing else.)

In case you hadn’t noticed, the price of a first-class U.S. postage stamp, as of July, increased to 78 cents. The reason: Fewer and fewer of us are sending letters through the mail. There’s a core economic principle at work here — “economy of scale” — but since I’m immune to economic principles I’ll let you figure out how it works.

All I know is that a 78-cent first-class stamp remains an incredible bargain.

That a human being can write a letter and put it in a box by the street with confidence that it will be picked up by another human being and delivered (sooner or later and reasonably intact) by yet another human being to someone clear across the country is truly astounding and a clear indication that, on our good days, we are a civilized and superior species.

In fact, mailing a letter in the U.S. is one of the best deals of its kind in the world. Here’s what it costs to mail first-class letters in some other countries:

Germany — $1.02

Canada — $1.05

Australia — $1.10

Great Britain — $2.14!!!!!!! ¹

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Here’s another thing: The U.S. Postal Service does not receive any of our tax dollars and, since 1970, has strived to be self-financing. This has been such a great success that in 2024 the USPS lost only $6.3 billion.

But, hey, at least they’re striving, right? And trying their best to turn things around. And if they occasionally have to bump up the price of a stamp by a few cents so we can enjoy the cheapest letter delivery system in the word then it’s fine by me.

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So here’s my idea.

Which is, frankly, pretty goddam brilliant. Because not only will it help sink Bezos, it will (as promised) get you some free stuff in the mail AND help bail out our awesome USPS.

(Another Disclaimer: This is the point where today’s post becomes a completely shameless sales pitch.)

If you punch the button below and become a paid subscriber, then Bob’s Diner will send you something free in the U.S. mail. Doesn’t matter if you sign up for a monthly subscription ($5) or a yearly subscription ($50) or an esteemed Founding Member subscription ($100), you’ll get something free in the mail.

How can I afford to do this, you ask?

I can’t. But I am willing to sacrifice my own financial well being to reward you for dropping by here on a regular basis so that we can have a little fun by screwing with craven billionaires and help make sure our stamps never cost as much as they do in Great Britain.

Given that context, what you’ll be doing by becoming a paid subscriber is freaking heroic.

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Also, you can’t believe how much stuff you can buy with Amazon Prime for less than 78 cents. And then they ship it to you for free.

That’s the core economic principle behind my strategy, which I admit I have not fully thought out. Still, it seems to me that if you buy something for less than 78 cents and it costs the person you’re buying it from (Bezos!) more than 78 cents to deliver it to you, then he’s the one losing money.

Please note that the stuff you can get on Amazon for less than 78 cents isn’t necessarily great stuff.

There’s this, which is pretty ho-hum:

But there’s also this, which seems like a pretty great deal. Plus, it comes with French words on the box, which has gotta be worth something:

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Those of you who are already paid subscribers might be thinking: Well, this sucks. I paid for Bob’s Diner and I didn’t get squat.

So: If you are already a paid subscriber in any shape or form and you want in on this deal, all you have to do is send me a private message, include your surface address, and I’ll see to it that you get something free in the mail. That’s how much I love you.

Because y’all are the ones who’ve been keeping this joint afloat so that everyone else can read it for free. Bob’s Diner believes that paywall is a dirty word. And we intend to keep the doors open without a cover charge. Or a two-drink minimum. Although if you ever run into me, you can buy me one.

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As for the free stuff, I can’t guarantee that you’ll receive a can of tomato sauce or a box of colored chalk. It might wind up being something like this:

It all depends on another core economic principle—supply and demand. Perhaps one of you can explain it to me.

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So … you in?

The fate of the U.S. Postal Service is hanging on your decision. Once again (and in annoying fashion) here’s the button.

If you prefer to pass on this offer and keep reading for free, no worries. Love you, too. Thanks for dropping by. Please consider sharing Bob’s Diner with a friend.

1. I can’t even begin to explain why a first-class stamp in Great Britain should cost so much. It’s a tiny country, much smaller than other countries on that list. Their mail doesn’t have to travel nearly as far as our mail does. Maybe King Charles takes a cut. Or maybe they hand-paint the stamps or something.