Beware of Barking Spiders

Flatulence, FLOTUS and what TACO really stands for

Hello, hungry people.

The book you see above would probably be banned from public schools, right? Which is a shame because it’s a big hit with the young readers of my acquaintance, a pair of seven year olds who happen to be my grandsons.

They’re of an age where bodily functions are fascinating, the grosser the better. I bought “Does It Fart?” just for them.

OK, I wanted to read it too.

Because who wouldn’t want to know which animals produce the smelliest farts in the world (sea lions, on account of all the fish they eat)?

Or which breed of dog farts the most (Boston Terriers and Pugs because their short snouts force them to take in air more often than other dogs.)

Is this educational?

Of course it is.

Any book that can lure kids away from screens and make them think and turn pages is educational. Especially when it features pictures of rhinoceroses ripping raunchy ones.

***

We learned lots of educational stuff from reading “Does It Fart?”

For instance:

• Manatees fart. A lot. It controls their buoyancy.

• Birds don’t fart. They don’t have gas-producing bacteria in their guts. Plus, birds digest food so quickly that it leaves no time for the build-up of toots.

• Sloths are the only mammals that don’t fart. They digest food so slowly, only pooping every four or five days, that the gas is absorbed in their bloodstreams and breathed out. So, be advised, don’t ever look a sloth in the face.

• And the most lethal farts of all? They’re emitted by the Bearded Lacewing, an insect whose farts contain a chemical called allomone. It’s deadly to termites, the main food source for lacewings. So when they find a termite, lacewings raise their tails and fart on them. Which my grandsons agreed was the coolest thing they’d ever read.

***

Here’s a word they learned from reading “Does It Fart?”: Euphemism.

“A euphemism is a word or expression you use when you don’t want to say the real word,” I told my grandsons. “Like, instead of saying fart, you could say ‘cut the cheese.’”

This evolved into a lengthy discussion of fart euphemisms which included: booty cough, butt burp, fanny frog, heinie hiccup and on and on.

Their favorite fart euphemism: barking spider.

***

And in seemingly unrelated news, but I’ll make the connection anyway:

Got any idea what that is?

If you guessed a bronze statue of Melania Trump, you’d be right.

The statue was recently hacked off at the feet and stolen from atop its pedestal, a six-foot-tall tree stump near the First Lady’s hometown in Slovenia.

She dropped by Bob’s Diner the other day to discuss the theft.

Bob’s Diner: So who do you think might have stolen the statue?

FLOTUS: Oh, it was the Donald, for sure. He doesn’t want the world to think he’s married to an expressionless monstrosity with cankles.

Bob’s Diner: Got any proof that he was behind it?

FLOTUS: Well, I try not to be around the VSG¹ if I can avoid it, but during my forced quarterly visit to the White House, I heard him ranting about a tree stump. I thought he was talking about Pete Hespeth, who everyone knows is dumber than one, but then I heard him shout: “Get Seal Team 6!” And next thing, poof, the statue is gone.

Bob’s Diner: So why don’t you spend more time at the White House or on the road with your husband ?

FLOTUS: It’s the farting.

Bob’s Diner: A subject near and dear to us.

FLOTUS: I’m telling you, the guy can clear a room. We’ve been calling him TACO for a long time — Trump Always Creates Odors.

Bob’s Diner: Must make it tough to share a bed with the VSG².

FLOTUS: You can’t even begin to imagine. Here’s a euphemism for you. When the VSG³ passes gas he calls it: “My Big, Beautiful Butt Bassoon.”

Bob’s Diner: And on that noxious note… it’s time for Today’s Poll.

1. Very Stable Genius

2. Very Stinky Gutbomber

3. Vladimir’s Smelly Girlfriend

Do you have a favorite fart euphemism? Or got anything else you’d like to say? Please….

Do you have friends who are fans of scatological humor? I invite you to…

And as always, please consider helping us serve up more revolting topics at Bob’s Diner.