Next Up in the Seussian Hall of Slime

Welcome a Florida Man who had a very bad week

Hello, hungry people.

I’ve had some fun lately assigning Dr. Seuss characters to public figures whose names I’ll not utter within the confines of Bob’s Diner out of fear they’ll pollute the place.

We can’t have that, can we?

Because the health department could pull a surprise inspection and shut us down. Or, ICE might intervene and next thing we know we’ll be sitting in prison in El Salvador.

So, in case you’re just joining us, the Seussian lineup thus far consists of:

The VSG¹ and JDV² as Thing 1 and Thing 2. And Me!-lon as the Cat in the Hat.

Yes, this is me acting like a third-grader. It’s silly. It’s immature. And it’s perfectly in keeping with the unfolding shitshow of our times.

Also: It’s wonderfully therapeutic.

***

So today I’m delighted to welcome Yertle the Turtle, our Bob’s Diner avatar for the dour and over-reaching bag of flesh otherwise known as the governor of Florida.

Just to get you up to speed on the story of Yertle the Turtle, he was King of the Pond , but dissatisfied with the stone that was his throne because it wasn’t high enough to let him gaze out on the land beyond the pond. He wanted to rule everything he could see. So he kept ordering the other turtles to stand on each other’s backs, higher and higher, Yertle marveling over everything that would be under his command, lusting for more and more … until the turtle on the bottom let out a giant burp and it all came tumbling down.

“Yertle the Turtle” was published in 1958. At the time, Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel) said he had misgivings about using the word “burp” in a book that was ostensibly for children. He thought it might be too crude.

How quaint, huh?

And how far we’ve come — or how far we’ve sunk — since then.

***

There was a giant burp in Tallahassee last week. Lots of burps, actually.

All the eructation — this is me, playing fancy with the scientific term for belching — came from Florida legislators questioning $10 million that Gov. Yertle steered toward a foundation run by his wife, Casey.

Please note, these were Republican legislators, Republican legislators who have questioned very little that Gov. Yertle has done during his six-plus years of ruling our pond.

And maybe “questioning” is too mild a term here.

One legislator said that Gov. Yertle’s furtive actions were the “very definition of money laundering.”

Another said that if he were drawing “a RICO conspiracy web chart” — that’s RICO as in “Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization” — the state’s attorney general, who was complicit in Gov. Yertle’s shenanigans, would be “at the center of it.”

Yup, welcome to Florida, the thug state.

Or, to put it in terms of another Seuss classic: Horton Hears a What the Fuck?

***

Here’s how the racketeer influenced corruption got started.

A couple of years back, the State of Florida negotiated a $67 million settlement with a Medicaid contractor that overbilled the state. The money was supposed to go to the state’s healthcare division, but Gov. Yertle appropriated $10 million of it for the Hope Florida foundation, run by his wife. The alleged goal of the foundation was to cut government red tape and help Floridians who were struggling with medical bills.

Then $10 million went out the foundation’s back door and into the hands of now-Attorney General James Uthmeier, who was chairing the Yertle-endorsed committee that defeated the medical marijuana amendment on last year’s ballot.

Yes, money meant for down-on-their-luck Floridians was spent on a political campaign that would help raise Yertle’s throne even higher.

The jury is still out on whether this sleight-of-hand was illegal.

But it sure stinks like pond scum, don’t you think?

***

And here’s the most reprehensible part.

Instead of manning up and defending his actions or, at the very least, saying he takes the blame, what does Gov. Yertle do?

He throws his wife under the bus.

“I really had no ownership of this,” Yertle said when questioned about the investigation of his doings. “I didn’t devise it. She devised it. She set the vision.”

It’s almost enough to make me feel sorry for poor Casey.

Except for the fact that she has plenty of Yertle-ish qualities, like dressing up in Cinderella gowns and practicing her queenly wave back when she thought of herself as First Lady-in-Waiting.

Also, she bears a spooky resemblance to Eddie Munster.

Yes, that’s silly. And immature.

But screw it.

And please join me in a giant burp.

***

Which, as it almost always does, leads us to — TODAY’S POLL!

1. Very Stable Genius

2. Jaw-Dropping Vacillator

Here’s the part where I ask you to give Bob’s Diner a hand. If you’ve been enjoying what you read here — especially if you’re one of those moochers who has been dining for free — please spread the word.

Or better yet:

And should you wish to discuss, well, anything, then I’d be delighted if you spoke up.