Your first mistake was using George Foreman mini grills as rat traps.
But you’re right about rats in colder climes. In a twist on the classic NYC rat with the slice of take out pizza, a friend returning from a weekend out of town last winter found a dead rat, chicken bones, a plastic fork and a paper plate under the hood of his parked car. No Slim Jim wrappers in sight.
Well, I read all the way to the end but that does not mean your wife wasn’t right. We built a house on Lake Fairview in 1999 and were visited by all sorts of vermin over the years. The rats and squirrels (bushy tailed rats) would gnaw through the wood fascia to get into the attic. The poison used by the exterminators was supposed to make them thirsty (kind of like Slim Jim’s) and they would leave through the hole they created before expiring. Unfortunately, some never made it to the hole in their debilitated state. Some met their rat God in the attic. Some in the walls. My favorite varmint was a raccoon baby momma and her brood who bent down an aluminum soffit in the eaves over our family room … the upper floor of NYC tenement in her world no doubt. We called in a guy (not Fieri) who pulled out a tennis ball and coated it in goo. He called the goo “raccoon extraction gel.” He rolled the tennis ball down the eave. We ceased being a raccoon family landlord in very short order.
We spent a small fortune on Critter Control to catch a rat living the high life under our fire pit. The rat won every round. We now have three lovely stray cats that are welcome visitors any time. They caught the rat for free.
Next time, get your jerky from Buc-ee's -- the rat will engorge itself and lose any appetite to fight back. Oh, and so might you :)
Your story resurfaced a mouse memory of my own that I may have to write about myself -- so thanks. We thought we had a dog ghost in our house, as small piles of kibble started showing up in the most unusual places. I'm guessing you know where this is going ...
Why are you not worried about mice? I have way more mice than rats. And recently, roaches, in the NC mountains. Guess they followed the armadillos, which I also have plenty of.
Ugh we had them in the attic and my husband set out these live traps and a camera so we'd know when we got one. Then he'd drive them to undeveloped land and let them go.
Not as bad as the River Rat which decided to make my RV his home, never saw him except the evidence trail, traps were just fun and games for him. Then one day I started up the ole RV I heard a loud and strange noise and he fell under the front of the RV, the old radiator fan got him.
I'm kind of surprised that the Great State of Florida is at the bottom of the list for rat infestations. We have every other type of vermin in spades. My remedies of choice for rats include getting a pet "Harry Potter" owl for one's home or a burmese python with a growth problem (so it does not graduate to eating your cat or dog). These are "natural" solutions as opposed to using slim jims which contain more hazardous chemicals than the Love Canal.
Another classic from the Diner. In addition to mice (which pretty much EVERY house has), I have New England rats and those are some pretty tough rodents. I may ask my exterminator who comes every three months to fill the black boxes outside to try this slim jim solution.
You could also do poison since it’s in the attic. They crawl off to die and they could stink for a while, but you won’t have to do corpse removal duty.
But then the coyotes eat them and die, and then the mountain lions eat the coyotes and get very sick, and then you get in trouble with the Nature Conservancy, and your neighbors hate you. Or is that only in California?
Life in Florida!
I've been looking for the perfect rat bait for our barn. Thanks for telling the world about Slim Jims!
I exist to serve you…
Your rat control skills are greatly needed in Tallahassee!
We’ll attach hundred dollar bills to the Slim Jims and those slimeballs will come running …
Your first mistake was using George Foreman mini grills as rat traps.
But you’re right about rats in colder climes. In a twist on the classic NYC rat with the slice of take out pizza, a friend returning from a weekend out of town last winter found a dead rat, chicken bones, a plastic fork and a paper plate under the hood of his parked car. No Slim Jim wrappers in sight.
Sounds like a hoodoo ceremony…
Ha!
I just assumed that Florida rats were in danger of being consumed by worse things that could find themselves in your attic. Shudder!!
Well, I read all the way to the end but that does not mean your wife wasn’t right. We built a house on Lake Fairview in 1999 and were visited by all sorts of vermin over the years. The rats and squirrels (bushy tailed rats) would gnaw through the wood fascia to get into the attic. The poison used by the exterminators was supposed to make them thirsty (kind of like Slim Jim’s) and they would leave through the hole they created before expiring. Unfortunately, some never made it to the hole in their debilitated state. Some met their rat God in the attic. Some in the walls. My favorite varmint was a raccoon baby momma and her brood who bent down an aluminum soffit in the eaves over our family room … the upper floor of NYC tenement in her world no doubt. We called in a guy (not Fieri) who pulled out a tennis ball and coated it in goo. He called the goo “raccoon extraction gel.” He rolled the tennis ball down the eave. We ceased being a raccoon family landlord in very short order.
Florida's rats are seasonal to the Florida State Capitol at 400 South Monroe Street! Stinks even worse than the expired rats in your attic!
Send spiked Slim Jim’s to Tallahassee
We spent a small fortune on Critter Control to catch a rat living the high life under our fire pit. The rat won every round. We now have three lovely stray cats that are welcome visitors any time. They caught the rat for free.
God bless cats. Well, some of them anyway.
I'd have just moved.
Next time, get your jerky from Buc-ee's -- the rat will engorge itself and lose any appetite to fight back. Oh, and so might you :)
Your story resurfaced a mouse memory of my own that I may have to write about myself -- so thanks. We thought we had a dog ghost in our house, as small piles of kibble started showing up in the most unusual places. I'm guessing you know where this is going ...
I’m glad this disgusting post proved inspirational to someone.
Why are you not worried about mice? I have way more mice than rats. And recently, roaches, in the NC mountains. Guess they followed the armadillos, which I also have plenty of.
Protein! Eat them all!
Ugh we had them in the attic and my husband set out these live traps and a camera so we'd know when we got one. Then he'd drive them to undeveloped land and let them go.
And then they found their way back to you, yes?
Thankfully, no
Not as bad as the River Rat which decided to make my RV his home, never saw him except the evidence trail, traps were just fun and games for him. Then one day I started up the ole RV I heard a loud and strange noise and he fell under the front of the RV, the old radiator fan got him.
I'm kind of surprised that the Great State of Florida is at the bottom of the list for rat infestations. We have every other type of vermin in spades. My remedies of choice for rats include getting a pet "Harry Potter" owl for one's home or a burmese python with a growth problem (so it does not graduate to eating your cat or dog). These are "natural" solutions as opposed to using slim jims which contain more hazardous chemicals than the Love Canal.
Oh yeah, but they are delicious with a martini
Another classic from the Diner. In addition to mice (which pretty much EVERY house has), I have New England rats and those are some pretty tough rodents. I may ask my exterminator who comes every three months to fill the black boxes outside to try this slim jim solution.
And you can bribe him with a couple of Slim Jims
Excellent column, beautifully constructed and very funny. That’s the good news. The bad news: There’s never only one rat.
I’m re-setting traps tonight. But … I won’t be sharing updates.
You could also do poison since it’s in the attic. They crawl off to die and they could stink for a while, but you won’t have to do corpse removal duty.
But then the coyotes eat them and die, and then the mountain lions eat the coyotes and get very sick, and then you get in trouble with the Nature Conservancy, and your neighbors hate you. Or is that only in California?
Hmmm. And the hawks!!! I’ll have to reconsider.