The Slim Jim Solution

Hello, hungry people.

“Don’t write about this on Substack.”

So said my lovely wife the other day after the thing happened that she doesn’t want me to write about.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want people to know we have this problem,” Debbie said.

“Lots of people have this problem.”

“But it’s embarrassing.”

“It’s perfectly natural,” I said. “Nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I don’t care. It’s just not something that you need to be telling everyone about.”

“Yeah, but it’s a good story.”

“I hate being married to a writer,” she said.

***
We’ll pause here for a Quickie Poll:

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Yeah, it’s rats. We have them in our attic. Our neighbors have them in their attics, too.

So let’s have another Quickie Poll:

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For the record, according to the National Pest Management Association (NPMA), more than 22 million American homes have rodent issues. By comparison, only 10 million homes have swimming pools.

I’m not exactly sure what this comparison means except that, when it comes to real estate, that thing you hear crawling behind the walls is twice as common as that thing on your Zillow wish list.

***
And now contestants, it’s time for . . . Jeopardy!

Answer: State with lowest percentage of rat infestations in homes.

Question: What is Florida?

Correct!

Only about 4.4 percent of Florida homes have problems with rats, according to the aforementioned NPMA. The proud leader in this category is Vermont at 28 percent.

Why is this exactly? (Choose one):

1. Florida exterminators are allowed to use rat-seeking missiles.

2. Vermont is a rat sanctuary state.

3. Before the rats can make it to Florida, they get eaten by people in Georgia and Alabama.

4. None of the above. ¹

***
Word for the Day

Murophobia: The fear or disgust of rats or mice, often resulting in anxiety or panic attacks.

There’s a lot of murophobia going around these days. All because of stories about hantavirus. Until recently, most folks, me included, had never heard of hantavirus. But in the last few months, “hantavirus” has climbed into the Top 25 Google searches with more than 72 million searches globally.

Some reasons why.

Reason #1: The sad and unfortunate death of Betsy Arakawa, wife of actor Gene Hackman. She died in February of hantavirus pulmonary syndrome. It’s carried by rats, and humans can be infected by breathing in the virus from rat droppings. Fatal in 40 percent of cases.

Reason #2: The sad and unfortunate deaths from hantavirus of three passengers aboard the Dutch ship MV Hontius in May.

Also, according to the Center for Disease Control, the number of deaths annually in the U.S. from hantavirus has almost tripled since 2022, from 13 to 38.

***
So …

Based on the reports of our neighbors and having suspicions that furtive, disease-carrying rodents might be lurking in our attic, and not wanting to catch hantavirus, I went to the hardware store to buy some rat traps.

There were none to be found.

“Been a big demand lately,” said the guy at the hardware store.

Like I said, a whole lot of murophobia going around.

I finally got my hands on some traps. Here’s what those bad boys look like:

And exhaustive research led me to the very best bait to put in those traps: Slim Jims!

I was delighted to learn this. Slim Jims are delicious. Suffering under the delusion that they are not good for you, I had not eaten one in years. But knowing that they were primo rat bait, instead of just going out and buying a single Slim Jim, I was inspired to get a 12-pack. Because, you know, we might have a major infestation.

I baited one of the traps with a small chunk from a Slim Jim, climbed our stepladder, opened the attic hatch, gently placed the trap a coupla feet inside the opening and closed the hatch.

Then we left town for three days.

Note to self: Big mistake.

***
Upon returning home and pulling into our garage, I knew that the rat-killing mission had been successful. I will spare you the odiferous details. Except to say that if dead-rat stink could be weaponized, it would negate the need for nuclear bombs.

I climbed the stepladder and steeled myself for what I might find in the attic. I stuck my hand inside a plastic bag — like when I have to pick up dog poop — the plan being to quickly grab the dead rat and the trap and dispose of them both as quickly as possible.

Friends, it did not work out like that.

All I know is that the rat must have possessed a mighty will to live. In its death throes, it managed to drag itself and the trap from the spot where I had placed the trap, so that when I opened the hatch …

Yeah, right in my face.

The good news: I did not fall off the ladder.

However, I have developed a severe case of murophobia.

I am treating it with martinis. They pair nicely with Slim Jims.

***
And what the hell, let’s have one last poll.

1. OK, the real reason, which should be obvious, is that rat infestations are a lot more common in cold-weather states. Florida has plenty of rats, but they are outdoor rats that can usually be found playing pickleball.