Triple Whammy Update

Saharan dust, hurricanes and seaweed ... oh my!

Hello, hungry people.

As if living in Flori-dada wasn’t already “exciting” enough, consider what’s bearing down on us right now, a trifecta of really cool stuff:

• Saharan dust — This is the giant atmospheric phenomenon that blows our way from Africa every year. This year it’s supposed to be bigger and worse than ever, according to the skeleton crew of meteorologists still left at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration after the VSG¹ and his estranged boyfriend went all DOGE on it. So maybe the remaining NOAA meteorologists are just trying to make it seem worse than it really is. You know, job security and all that.

  So far, the dust storm has been pretty ho-hum. Still, it’s out there and it’s lurking and who knows what it’s up to since it’s coming from places like Chad, Libya, Somalia and Sudan — countries whose citizens are now forbidden from entering the U.S. thanks to our adorably xenophobic VSG². Maybe ICE should send its storm troopers into the dust plume and make sure it doesn’t contain illegals trying to sneak into our country. I mean, those people ride flying carpets over there, don’t they?

  
  On the bright side: All that dust is supposed to create some spectacular sunsets. But right now everything just looks kinda milky.
  

• Sargassum — This is the giant blob of seaweed heading in our direction to trash up the shoreline, emit hydrogen sulfide and make walking on the beach as pleasurable as sticking your head in a diaper bin. Like everything else these days, it’s supposed to be worse than ever, drifting our way from the Caribbean.

  
  There’s even a Facebook page, “Sargassum Seaweed Florida” (12K followers) that issues daily reports and folks can go there to find out if the predicted “vast rafts of seaweed” have hit their favorite beaches. Some recent posts:

  “How does it look on Pompano Beach?” Nothing there.

  “How does it look on Cocoa Beach?” Nada.

  “Any seaweed around Destin?” Nope, nothing.

  So we’re still waiting. And enjoying breathing while we can. But again, the VSG³ might want to consider getting ICE involved because the sargassum is coming from a bunch of “shithole countries” like Haiti and there are probably people hiding in those seaweed rafts.

  
  On the bright side: Good times for fisherman who like working the weed lines for mahi and wahoo the feed on the critters that live in sargassum. Lots of fish tacos ahead!
  

• Hurricanes — The season started June 1 and yes, once again, it’s predicted to be worse than ever by the same skeleton crew of NOAA meteorologists who are worn out and distracted and just trying to hang in there and do the best they can.
  
  Meanwhile, there’s the new acting head of FEMA, David Richardson, who was appointed by the VSG⁴ despite having no previous experience in disaster relief. Earlier this week, Richardson shocked a lot of FEMA staff when he told them he wasn’t aware that “there was such a thing as a hurricane season.” FEMA later issued an official statement saying Richardson was just joking.
  
  Oh, good one, sir. Har-dee-har-har. I can hear the laughter coming all the way from Fort Myers Beach, Punta Gorda, Cedar Key, Mexico Beach …
  
  On the bright side: I get to break out my totally analog hurricane map. It’s identical to the one we used when I was growing up in Florida in the 1950s and we didn’t get so anal about the weather.

  

  And if those poor meteorologists are right, I need to add something to my hurricane prep list: More magnets. Lots of them.

1. Very Stable Genius

2. Vigilante-Supporting Goober

3. Verified Satyr Guy

4. Viciously Sinking Government